DISCLAIMER- This post includes trigger warnings like Suicide and Death.
Suicide – when someone intentionally takes their own life.
This is so personal to me and I broke down writing this as I’ve never told anyone this and it’s still raw with me, so sorry for spelling mistakes and faults. Please bare with me.
As a 19-year old who was meant to be out enjoying the “best years of her life”, was an incredibly difficult thing to have to wake up everyday. My head was telling me, not to carry on, I was worthless. No one liked me, No one wanted me. No one loved me. and I should hurt myself as everyone wanted me dead. I nearly believed it and nearly died so I wanted to tell you what happened after my suicide attempt.
It didn’t happen overnight. I wrestled with my suicidal thoughts for years and as recently as one year ago. I have never followed through as I did that day 3 months ago, but I still worry that someday it will be what takes me.
One conversation with the lady at samaritans on the phone. She truly saved my life. I was drinking so much the past couple of months, it was spiralling out of control day after day and I never use to drink, I use to hide bottles of wine in my cupboard and use to drink every night. The night was weird, I’ll never forget it. I had a argument with someone, So I said I was going home and got a taxi to a bus stop, I got tablets in my bag and was at a bus stop at 12am on a Sunday morning, I was on my own and the dark thoughts was racing through my head.
Imagine a race track and how fast the race cars are. Well that was my mind. Telling me to do it and kill myself. At that point, I didn’t think of anyone not even myself. I thought the easiest option was death to escape all this. I took all those pills and drank the whole bottle of vodka. For a second, it all went quiet and then it all came crashing down with the pain and thoughts came back with revenge.
I had this little voice in my head, I can’t explain as it was so strange. I felt so much pain in my chest and I suddenly was sick. I didn’t want to ring my Nan or anyone because I didn’t want to be yelled at. So I thought I’ll ring This number samaritans. It was the best decision I ever made in my life.
I told the lady what I did and I said I didn’t want to live anymore and I took a lot of pills and had a whole bottle of vodka and I was alone, She asked if I wanted my family to be informed, I said no and she rang a local taxi firm for me and paid for it which I’m so grateful for.
She told me to breathe slowly and keep talking to her until I was at the hospital which I did, I kept saying “I couldn’t even kill myself right, I’m not even good at that” She comforted me. My head was all over the place. I just wanted to sleep and get out of this nightmare I was in. I was so scared of what I did and I was so scared that I didn’t want my family to know as I was scared I was gonna get “locked up” back then I was a complete mess and the word hospital scared the hell out of me. But I knew I needed help as it got out of control and I was so right.
I needed that one person to talk to me that would make me realise I’m worth more than mental illness. I’m typing while crying as I’m so emotional about this. I’m so thoughtful that someone was in my hour of need. To comfort me and tell me everything was going to be okay when they didn’t actually know me and was an complete stranger and didn’t know my circumstances and actually listened to me when I cried for help.
I’m not healed or cured. Whatever you want to call it. I’m not gonna lie to you all here and pretend I’m recovered and happy as I’m not, I’m not going to tell you I’m glad I’m alive. I’m here simply because I want to be for my family and friends. I still have my bad thoughts. I’m not gonna say I never have any of them dark thoughts anymore just because I have medications. I have them but I don’t have them aggressively like I use too. They are slowly better and I don’t get them as much as I did.
I won’t tell you it will get better, because I can’t and that would be wrong of me if I did, I won’t tell you not to do it, because I can’t as I’m not you. But I will tell you I know how you feel. I empathize. I understand. I know that if you are reading this, you are considering maybe, suicide isn’t the answer. Maybe, just maybe, there is a reason to hang on. So hang on to that. Not to life or to hope or to things getting better, just hang on to the doubt. Hang on to the uncertainty.
I found colour in the darkness and so can you!
You are not alone, you are not a failure, and you are not your suicide attempt. While you may be like me functioning at the most basic level. you are functioning and I’m so proud of you being here and I wish I could hug all of you.
If you’re struggling, man or woman, and don’t know where to turn, just open up to someone. Friends, family, me, a doctor, or Samaritans.
If you know someone who may be struggling or someone that has opened up to you, be understanding and be kind. But with your help, they’ll be able to pull through, and that’ll be one of the greatest things you’ll ever do in your life.
So Dear Samaritan Lady.
Thank You for saving my life. Thank you for comforting me in my darkest hours of my life, Thank you for not letting me go. Thank you so much. I wish I could find you and actually thank you in person. Thank you for listening to me when I needed someone.
You saved me and I’ll be forever grateful.
Speak soon, my lovely viewers.
Love, Shannon xx