DISCLAIMER- Talking about suicide and self harming.
My name is Shannon and I was a normal 19 year old girl when I found out this year on March 20th 2017 at 2pm that I have been trying to live with Depression and Social Phobia Disorder for most of my life. I was always aware that I worried a lot about things, was quite shy and would go through bouts of low moods and lack of motivation to live but didn’t realise I could get help. I just accepted it was who I was. That was until a life changing event made me visit my GP. This is when I began to talk about my experience with mental health services. I had zero confidence at all, so I didn’t even actually feel like I could tell anyone about what I was going through.
Everyone says it a taboo subject. It’s just like a cold. You are poorly and you seek medical treatment. Whether its medication or therapy. I have days where I look completely normal then other days when I’m a mess. But I’m a normal person. I haven’t got my life together at all, I just take my life day by day as I can’t plan any events as my head tends to try break and destroy plans I’ve made. Plus sometimes I don’t feel well enough to attend these plans when I’ve made them before.
So I was experiencing these moods and I just wasn’t feeling like I was before and I was getting more anxious more often and didn’t actually know was going on. I thought my hormones was playing up. But in general all I needed was to speak out on how I was feeling and how I didn’t feel right anymore like I did past couple of months and it reminded me when I was 17 and I started to feel worse than before and I was locking myself up in my bedroom for a whole year. My home was a safe place for me. It still is 4 Years down the line. But someone how I recovered and felt better. So I thought It was just a bad phrase and I didn’t bother about it.
Bad decision that was. If you feel like something has changed in your life. Please speak out and talk to someone as you aren’t alone in this. I started to develop bad thoughts and when I mean bad thoughts. I mean darkest thoughts racing through my head like a race car. Telling myself to “Kill yourself” or “Hurt yourself you know the world would be a better place without you” I still get these thoughts but not as intrusive and not as dark as they was before. They don’t completely go due to taking medication. I really wish they did. I don’t just pop pills and on cloud nine every day with rainbows and bunny rabbis. That’s just bullshit.
I wish I could go back to the seventeen year old who probably blasting music out of her headphones and feels alone when the whole room is filled with people. What I’d do to go back and say “It’s going to be okay Shan” or “Keep going back to the doctors when they just send you back home saying it was hormones and just a teenage thing” I’m not saying I could be cured right now. I wish I was but I wished they paid more attention to teenagers and adults who are actually telling them they don’t feel right. I can’t moan at all the doctors because finally this year in 2017. I was finally being listened too. I was sent to see a psychiatrist.
Finally eh? After years of going back and telling them the same symptoms every week when I kept going back. I wanted to scream at them as why wasn’t no one listening to me.
Don’t get start me on health care professionals. I could be here all day typing about them and the failures what happens due to mental health. It’s slowly improving. I was failed when I started showing symptoms. This is why I blog as if in the future when I have kids and If my kids are experiencing the thoughts what I had back when I was a teenager. I’d hope they would come to me and tell me as I would never wish my worse enemy what I had to go through. Just because I was a teenager and had racing hormones.
Now I’m 20. I have a different mind set to the NHS now. I think that they need help from everyone else not just funding. Of course we need more funding for the mental health services but we need more events to educate people in cities, hospitals, schools and doctors. On what mental illness is and how it can effect anyone not just one age range. I think every A&E should have a section where it’s just for mental health patients or patients who don’t want to be in rowdy areas where screaming is etc… No I don’t mean discriminate either. I mean we should have an area where we can feel comfortable in and not scared shitless like I felt with loads of people around when I went to a&e screaming and people threatening to slap people just because they have been seen before them.
I also think every hospital should have at least a team of mental health care professionals at the hospitals and not all over the place. so you have to wait numerous hours in a bed to be seen. As waiting for a extra 7 hours just to see the Community Mental Health Team is just ridiculous. Yes I understand, It takes time and money but just one little change still means it’s improving every single day.
Judgemental People also. I know everyone and I mean everyone judges someone in their lives. You will be lying if you said you didn’t cause we all do in our own way. I did before I educated myself on my illness. I’m not mad. I’ve just been strong far too long and sometimes you just need to ask for help when you need it.
It’s time to change and actually speak about how we are feeling in our heads. It’s okay not to be okay.
I won’t give up my fight as I will fight until the day, I take my last breath of trying to get better mental health care.
If you follow me or my blog you’ll know I am super open about my mental health problems and I’m a huge advocate for mental health awareness, ending the stigma and educating people on mental health problems.