It’s currently 00:14am on an early cold Saturday morning. I can’t sleep so I thought why not type up some posts what could help people. It has taken me the courage to write this. I am really appreciating the feedback and support I’m getting and I wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t for you guys.
I wanted to write this post as I personally have an understanding what it’s like to lose someone close to you at a young age. Whether you are 2 months old to 99 years old. It still hurts when you lose someone you love. But today I wanted to focus on grieving at a young age. As this relates to my mental health deteriorating as I wasn’t given the right support at that time what I needed.
The definition of grief is- “Intense sorrow, especially caused by someone’s death” – Taken from the Oxford dictionary website.
Back in 2009, I lost my beautiful and amazing mum to a battle with cancer and an eating disorder. One day I was playing with dolls with my doll’s house my parents brought me then the next day I was dressed in black saying my final goodbye to my mum at her funeral. When I look back to those memories I just feel numb and felt like I ended my childhood the day my mum passed away.
Grieving is a natural thing to do. It’s like riding a bike with stabilizers on for weeks then suddenly need to learn how to ride the bike without them. You forget what’s it like to be alone then as you weren’t alone when your relative was with you. I wanted to express the things what I have been doing to help with my grief of losing my mum. It might be 2018 nearly but I still think about her every day. Grief will be with me until the day I die but I will manage it because in the end, it might hurt now but it does get easier with the time I can promise you now.
I’m not going to lie. It hurts still. I sometimes feel like I have been abandoned by her when life becomes stressful. But she didn’t abandon me she was poorly, and I didn’t understand that much when I was young. She’s at peace now and not in pain so it gives me comfort that she won’t be alone as she is with my baby sibling and my other family members!
I have to say a massive thank you to my Nan. She looked after me since the day my mum passed away the day her daughter died, and I wish I could give her everything she dreams off. She is so inspirational. I know me and her have our arguments, but I would give her anything and I’m starting to tell her that I love her every single day, so she knows I do. As I never could really trust anyone and tell them I loved them since my mum died as I was scared that I was going to get “abandoned” again.
I wanted to create a list of things what I learnt and what I did with my stage of grieving. I’m still grieving right now and I’m now 20 years old. I hope this helps you as well if you are currently going through a death in your life.
- At any age create a memory box. Fill it with old birthday/Christmas cards etc. Fill it up with pictures and just great keep sakes of the memories you shared with that person. It would be amazing as well to share to the future children about that relative.
- It doesn’t make you weak if you cry your heart out. I must have created a river when I lost my mum. It doesn’t matter if you don’t cry. What matters is getting your feelings out whether you are tearful or angry. It’s okay to be angry and cry.
- This will be hard but don’t get attached to their voice on voice mails and old videos etc. I would love to say it helps but in all honestly it doesn’t it makes the grieving process harder and more tough for you. Watch your videos but don’t keep repeat watching them as you are just beating yourself up about that person and in the end that process will eat you up. I did it and when I finally couldn’t remember how my mum sound I locked myself in my room for a whole weekend crying.
- Ask questions about your relative. I have just started asking my nan this. I was about 19 when I started asking what was mum’s first thoughts about dad and was she in pain when she died.
- Don’t think about your last conversation with the person who died. This sounds harsh but, if you have just had an argument with your loved one before they died and said something when you were angry. You will keep beating yourself up about it. Words don’t mean anything and in my honest opinion. Your relative would have known you only said that because you both argued.
- Try and enjoy your life as much as you can. Of course, you can grief about your relative death, but I mean, please don’t be obsessive over it. It wasn’t your fault. Plus, they wouldn’t have wanted you to not to go out to your favourite places and not enjoy your life.
- It might not seem that it’s not getting better but day by day it’s getting better and you are coping. If you have lost a parent like myself, it hurts when people around you celebrating Mother’s and Father’s Day when you have lost a parent. I just take myself off social media for a day until it’s over and spend half the day with my gran and my dad.
- Give yourself time to heal and don’t punish yourself.
Listen, you will be okay. If you ever need a chat about how you are feeling please just message me and I will chat to you. As I would hate to think you are alone in this battle.
Please remember this.
It’s okay not to be okay.
Love you lots.