I remember when I was 5 and I wanted to be a zoo keeper and look after all the lions. I was so wild. Then I wanted to be a primary school teacher. Then I wanted to be a nurse and then I wanted to win a talent show when I was 9.
My first paid job was M&S. But I don’t think retail was good for me and my anxiety as I had too many melt downs before even starting shifts. I am a people person, I love helping people it’s in my nature to help someone out, but I don’t like being shouted in my face and being told I was crap at my job.
I had numerous jobs. Retail. B&M. But it just wasn’t helping my mental health. I felt more worse than ever.
Before I knew about mental health and that I was experiencing it. Because I’ll be honest, I didn’t know anything before I researched into it and educated myself. I wasn’t motivated for life anymore. I was just breathing and just watching the days passed by. I was isolating myself even more. I wouldn’t get out my room. I wouldn’t talk to anyone. The thoughts came into my mind, telling myself that no one wanted me, no one loved me, and I should be gone.
When I was eating a meal, the thoughts came into my head, oh you’ll get even more fatter if you eat. You are a fat mess. You need to go on a diet. When I was walking my dog, the thoughts came into my head. I couldn’t’ get rid of them. I tried everything. I thought I was going insane in my own mind at seventeen years old. I asked someone on a help line and they told me it was just hormones, so I thought yeah, they will go soon.
My gran started to get worried about me because I just wasn’t me. I used to love Cars. I had my own car. I didn’t want to use, and I didn’t want to do anything what I liked. I had treatment and I was getting better then something happened in my personal life and then I relapsed again. I was in my darkest times. I had no one. I stayed in my house without leaving the front door for a year because people were blaming my hormones, but it wasn’t. I knew something was wrong, but I kept getting pushed away.
I just didn’t have any more energy to fight for help anymore.
Now, I’m currently receiving treatment. Medication and still waiting for an appointment from the hospital to see if I can change the medication as they aren’t agreeing with me at all. I keep getting heartburn and my heart is racing all day.
I will get better but it takes time and I’m getting better one day at a time.
I’ve been thinking about careers for a bit now and I’m not going to blow my trumpet, but I do know a bit about my illness and mental illness and I love helping people and spreading awareness. That’s why I started this blog.
But I want to try and reach to the point where I’m speaking with other warriors like myself. Take for example: Oli or Georgia etc.
In the long run and I know it’s going to take money and time. But I want to run little sessions all about mental illness and spreading awareness about it. Well being sessions you can call it. In charities, libraries, hospitals and schools.
I’d love to have my own premises for people to drop in and talk if they have any problems. Have activities. Have fundraising days. Anything what educates people about mental health.
I’d love to have it in my hometown. Aldridge. As we don’t have much mental health support in Aldridge. We have doctors and I’m grateful, but we need more as so many people are suffering so quietly.
Because back 4 years ago I never had that. I never had the chance to tell someone how I felt as I was getting pushed aside. Yes, I understand how sometimes hormones effect things. But children can get mental illnesses as well. No one should ever be push aside to when they don’t feel right.
I’d love to be a spokesperson for mental health charities as no one should suffer the way I did with mental health services. But it’s happening nearly every day.
I needed that conversation that saved my life. I owe so much to the lady on Samaritans and Dr Flenley.
Conversations do save lives. I’m the proof and many people are.
Love, Shannon x
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