Trigger Warnings- Self Harm and Attempted Suicide.
When I was a little kid, life was so fun, and I wanted to be a “grown up” for ages. I went to secondary school and I got told by one of the staff, I wouldn’t make anything out myself. But look at me now, I’m writing this blog and helping other people.
4 years ago, my voice went. When I tried to tell people how I was feeling, they would just dismiss me and would tell me it’s hormones and it’s just a teenage thing. I isolated myself in my house for year. I was just stuck in a deep black hole and I didn’t know how to get out of it.
I was starting to get better then boom a relapse which is normal for anyone who’s going through an illness whether it’s a physical or a mental illness.
So, I went to numerous doctor’s appointments and being told “You’re only young you don’t need to be depressed and you won’t be able to get help as you’re too ill”. and did treatments. Even changed my diet and joined the gym. Nothing was getting better, it was just getting worse.
The dark thoughts were getting more darker and in all honestly, I wanted to die because I wanted to be with my mum and so I wouldn’t be a burden to anyone. I started self harming my arms and legs. I started planning my funeral, I started to write a note to my friends and family. I started thinking how I was going to kill myself. I did attempt by drinking vodka and taking huge amounts of pills. But I didn’t want to tell my Nan, as she’s getting older and I didn’t want her to worry.
But one night when I was up and crying, a little thing popped into my head which never happened to me before. That night, I said to myself. “breathe and, you think about Nan, I’ll be helped soon”
That was the day I decided to get my voice back and fight not just for myself but for everyone who’s battling an illness. Physical or Physiologically. I’m not cured, I still have my bad days and my good days. I still have the days where I have to push myself out of bed and the days where they are so long, and I just can’t get out of bed because my energy has been zapped out of me.
But my good days are so amazing, I treasure them like diamonds. I smile, and I actually feel good about myself. I love those days. When I’m having a bad day I always think to myself.
“Only a few more thunderstorms then you will be staring at the rainbows”
With any illness whether it’s physical or mental, you just want to be better and you just want to be the person you were before you had that illness. I am constantly battling my mind 24/7 and the stigma from people adds to it.
Yes, I might look fine and might look like that nothing is bothering me. But no one is here at 3am in the morning when I’m in bed trying to sleep and trying to remain calm through the dark thoughts and being alone.
Thursday 25th of January 2018 at 11:45, I am getting my voice back and I will be helping people who are in need and will fight the stigma together.
Stigma didn’t help when I was started my recovery 4 years ago, it just made it worse and I felt I was going insane in my mind.
Mental illness hasn’t made me a victim, it has made me a warrior and has shaped me into the person I am today.
I am 4 months and 2 weeks self-harm free.
If you ever feel that low, please message me or ring 116 123. Samaritans helped me when I was that low and I didn’t know how to get out of the dark black hole.
4 years ago, I lost my voice but today I am getting it back forever.