Dear Depression & Anxiety.

Dear Depression and Anxiety.

You came into my life unexpectedly when I was just 17. I knew when I was 14, something wasn’t right, but I pushed it away. You took my confidence the happy go lucky person I was, and you tried to take me as well. You were there when I was alone at 3am crying into my pillow as you were telling my mind that I was unwanted and I shouldn’t of been here. You both zapped out my energy of doing the normal things in life. You made me think everyone was against me and I was all on my own. You told me I was going to get hurt and I shouldn’t trust anyone.  You made me hurt myself, as you told me it was the right decision to do so my family wouldn’t get hurt. You made me think I was a burden to my family. You made me the normal going to the corner shop for some milk and bread difficult as I didn’t want to get hurt by someone who wasn’t even there. You made me sleep all day and made me be awake at night because you wanted to torment me with the dark thoughts of how I was a failure. You made people think I was lazy because I struggled to get up because you zapped my energy out of me. You made me feel small. You made people judge me. You made me think of the bad times instead of the good times what happened to me. You made me think that I was going to be in this black hole forever and I was going to get suffocated by it. You tried to take my life. But I knew deep down I wanted to live. When the attempt failed, you wanted me to feel like I was getting punished for breathing. You wanted to make me feel, I was an idiot because it failed. You wanted me to feel like I was on my own. You made me feel rude because I couldn’t face going out as I was scared that someone was going to hurt me.  You took my voice away from me. 

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I never posted this picture but it needs to be posted. When I was 17. 

But today, I’m back. I’m taking control of you. You can’t hurt me anymore. I’m slowly getting my voice back and you won’t ruin it again. I know, I’m a stronger person than I was when I was 17.  When you try your best with your dark thoughts every night. I won’t listen to them, I know I’m good enough and I know I want to be here. I am getting my confidence back again. You think you have won? Oh Hell Nah. You won’t win. You try your hardest by making me have insomnia at night, so you think I’ll listen to your thoughts, but I don’t. I am 4 months and 2 weeks self harm free. I will get my voice back and I will fight you until the day I die. Because you aren’t me. You are illnesses.

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Me, Mum and Dad. 

I am currently fighting you and I am winning. See, I’m Shannon. I’m 20. I deserve to be here with my family and friends. I deserve to go make up shopping with my best friend. I deserve to have a laugh with my big brother. 

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20 Year old Me. 

I want to help people battle you as well. Because no one should ever feel that way I felt when I was 17. I will help get rid of the stigma what is attached to you. I will help people realise that’s it’s okay not to be okay. 

You won’t take that from me. You can try and beat me again, but you won’t. 

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I am a fighter! 

You see Depression & Anxiety.

I’m not your victim. 

I’m a warrior and survivor and a fighter.

Shannon x

 

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