My doctor saved my life and I can’t thank him enough.
I wasn’t coping well with Citalopram at all. I was telling numerous doctors on how it wasn’t feeling right with me and they kept saying give it more time, I got told by one who didn’t even know me, or I swear didn’t even look at my records it was my weight fault for having these dark thoughts and I can’t be depressed all my life. Then told me to do more exercise and eat healthy. I had to remind that doctor to print my prescription off. It was making me feel more worse than ever! It made my thoughts darker. I was getting more suicidal and I just wanted to be with my mum as I just couldn’t cope with these thoughts and this life anymore.
My life started spieling out of control. I misused alcohol. I used to hide it in cupboards and drink 4 bottles a night to get the thoughts out my head as I was going insane in my mind and it felt no one was bothering to help me. I stayed out till 5am in the early mornings wouldn’t even answer the phone to my Nan. I was losing friendships. Getting myself more isolated. Then other days, I wouldn’t leave the house for 7 days. Everyone was worrying about me. I started having arguments with my family.
I had no intentions to live anymore. I started writing a note to each family member and hiding them and started planning how I was going to end my life as my mind was telling me I wouldn’t be a burden to my family anymore if I was dead. I wasn’t happy living. I was lonely. I felt I had no one. I kept arguing with my brother. My body wanted to scream for help, but it felt like my brain was paralysed and couldn’t think of anything positive. My mind kept telling me to cut deeper as it was helping me think as the pain from that stopped my dark thoughts creeping back into my head. I wasn’t sleeping. I was a mess. It was a cruel cycle.
I needed help. I needed that conversation. I needed a sign that everything was going to be fine. I didn’t need them judgemental opinions I had before. I needed someone to listen to me for once. I needed to know that it was okay not to be okay.
It wasn’t my fault at all. I realised now and wish I realised sooner, it was my mind. The scars were getting deeper which I had to book that doctor appointment which saved my life. That day wasn’t easy at all. I didn’t want to go but my Nan managed to get me out of the house as I already knew doctor Flenley was nice and I knew, I wasn’t going to get judged as he looked after my Mum and looks after my Nan also.
Dr Flenley listened to me. He looked at my scars and asked me how I did that. I told him everything. I told him that, I didn’t want to live anymore. I told him about the medication.
He wasn’t judgemental. He was compassionate towards me. He didn’t treat me like I was a lunatic. He treated me like me. He didn’t lower his tone towards me. He didn’t make me feel guilty of the thoughts I was getting. He told me everything was going to fine and he wanted me to see a psychiatrist to have an urgent mental health assessment which I was begging for ages from other doctor’s, but they just blamed my hormones. He told me how to look after my scars. He listened to me and had a conversation with me.
I came out of the doctors a bit overwhelmed, I must have looked like I was with another world, but I rang my doctor shaking and crying. Telling her that someone has finally listened to me. I will always remember that day. As that was the start of my recovery with mental health. I had hope.
Within a few days, I had a letter to go for an assessment. I finally got diagnosed with depression and social phobia disorder. They changed my medication. I knew I wasn’t going crazy and I knew I was right about my own mind.
I have relapses in my journey. I have bad days and good days. But I have hope now that I will get better, and this is just a big hurdle I need to jump over in life. I realised, everything happens for the good or bad. Yes, if I had the choice. obviously, I wouldn’t choose this, but I am glad it has made me the person I am today.
I am glad I booked that doctor appointment and I am glad I had that conversation. So yes. My doctor saved my life. I can never thank him enough. He is the best doctor and a credit to Aldridge.
Even if I’m having a bad day. I am happy that I’m still here and I’m a fighter. I will see my rainbows instead of thunderstorms soon and I’ll be smiling. I will fight my darkest times till I see that rainbow.
Conversations do change lives. Talking saves lives.
I’m Shannon, I’m 20 and I have 2 mental illnesses. I’m not ashamed of it. Neither should you be. I’m not worthless. I’m strong and a fighter and so are you too!
Love, Shannon x