So, it’s Valentine’s Day today! I’m single as anything. So today I’ve focused on my friends and family. Plus, stuffing my face with my favourite Easter egg from my Nan. Please don’t judge me as it’s only February but I kind of need this chocolate fix after the weeks I’ve had✌🏻
I’m in no rush to find someone but I just take life with the flow. I hate making plans! It makes me feel pressured that I must be there. That’s the anxiety for you.
It would have been my mum’s & dad’s anniversary of their engagement today! 🖤
So, it got me thinking about my future. Pretty scary not going to lie. Am I going to be married with kids or am I even going to be alive? That sounds so morbid but it’s true. You just don’t know with life. It’s so short.
Before my mum got seriously ill she told me and I’ll always remember this until the day I leave this earth. “Never change Shannon, you are perfect my little girl” That what hit me so much when she died as I was her little girl. I felt like a nobody without my mum as she helped me with my confidence at 9.
It has got me thinking.
Last Thursday was the hardest day ever physically and mentally. I thought my Nan was dying. Me and my Nan when I was teenager we weren’t close at all. I kept arguing with her nonstop. I was a brat if I’m honest. I feel so awful about that.
She was getting more poorly. She had chest sepsis. Luckily and I don’t even know how I did it to this very day I rang 999. Luckily, the hospital caught it in time.
Ever since Thursday I’ve been up and down at hospital. She’s my rock. I hate seeing her ill. I don’t even know how I managed to get into a hospital let alone getting into the ambulance, but I did it!
The bleeping machines and rushing about made me feel so small and so useless but I know she was in the right place.
I’m happy to announce she came home Monday with me.
So now on, I am concentrating on my family & friends even more than I was before as that shook me up so much seeing my Nan like that.
I need to prepare for that day but not yet, I’m not that strong enough.
I need to prepare for my dad’s quadruple heart bypass and seeing him in intensive care. But I know if he doesn’t have this surgery I know he could have a stroke or a massive heart attack any moment.
I can’t say bye to another parent yet.
My mental health has been off its rails since Thursday. I was slowly getting better and more confident but now it’s all over the place and I just feel like a failure in life. My head feels trapped in this black cloud and my body wants out. But it’s mentally & physically exhausting having any illness whether it’s physical or a mental illness.
I’d love to travel the world on my own and open my own business one day. I still dream about that every single day.
I’m not looking for sympathy. Hell nah. With this blog. I’m documenting every part of my journey. I need to blog about my bad times and my good times! I just can’t take anymore. I’m slowly breaking. But I’ve booked an urgent doctor appointment for tomorrow with my doctor to see what can happen. So, I’m hoping I can have some help.
I may not be where I want to be yet but I won’t stop until I am better.
The reason why I was writing this post because I wanted to say.
Appreciate every minute of your life you get with your loved ones and friends because it could be taken away in a second, enjoy your life.
Love, Shannon x