Trigger Warnings- Alcohol Misuse & Breakup.
I am 5 months self harm free!!! 💜🖤
So, from my previous blog post on invisible illnesses, I thought I’d do a post about this.
I’m not proud of this but it’s part of my journey and you guys are my 2nd family.
You see, I was scared & anxious to write this post up, but you guys know I’m personal about my mental health battle and I’m an advocate of mental illness and ending the stigma of anything to do with mental health.
It all started from a messy break up in April.
I was on the path of recovery then my ex did something stupid, I’m not quite over it yet so I’ll probably tell you on YouTube channel when I am and yeah it made me more anxious and I was relapsing slowly and ever since I’ve been nervous having sex and I just don’t have any emotion or feelings anymore. It’s ruined some friendships and that.
So, couple of weeks from that.
I was single and loving life apparently according to snapchat memories. I was on tinder. Meeting new people and “enjoying life”.
Mentally, I had no clue where I was. Seriously, looking back at my snapchat, I was in my own little world I dreamt up when I was wasted and quite frankly I wish I could slap myself if I could have a time machine.
The going out on every Friday nights & Saturday nights came in ridiculous amounts of cocktails & wine I was drinking. The money I didn’t have, I had to borrow off people which landed me in debt with family members.
If I wasn’t going out I was hiding wine in my draws? So my Nan wouldn’t find out as she hates alcohol. When I could feel a bad episode coming on, I would take a sip then it would be empty a hour after. I thought it was helping me.
Little did I know then. It wasn’t helping me for a minute. Not even a minute. About half a second.
Then it made me feel more worse. So I’d drink another bottle until I was drunk in my bedroom and fell asleep as I couldn’t sleep.
I’d wake up in the morning and look in draws and think oh shit my head and had to pretend I was fine to my gran over breakfast, I swear she thought I was pregnant sometimes when I ran to the toilet throwing up.
She did ask if I was okay and I pushed her away because I felt okay. I didn’t realise I was getting out of control.
I didn’t drink in morning or day. It was only at night when I was alone as then my thoughts creep in.
So, I went out to pubs with mates. Drank cocktails. Got into arguments over lads. Kissed 10 random lads just for free drinks with my pals. Didn’t roll up to the house at 3am sometimes I would fall asleep in taxi and luckily enough the taxi company I use to knew where I lived and who I trusted.
Thanks ABS cabs!
(I understand how dangerous that is now. I was out of control. I gave myself a slap for that today)
My Nan spoke to me and I agreed not to go out for a couple of weeks to show her I was “stable” and not relapsing.
She knew I was. I just wouldn’t believe her and sometimes I wouldn’t believe myself when I looked into the mirror and I looked exhausted and I just tried to tell my mind, that I was okay.
I was binge drinking to get rid of the pain and it was causing more pain than ever.
I was wearing the signs of a binge drinker. I would go without alcohol for a week or two then one Friday I’d drink 5 cocktails, 6 shots and 6 bottles of wine and 2 ciders.
I wasn’t depending on alcohol. I could go weeks without alcohol then something bad would happen and I’d hit the bottle and when I say hit the bottle I mean go wild and not come home for a day or so. I wouldn’t answer my phone, so I worried everyone, but I told myself I was okay and just carried on.
Which I regret fully now.
Then I would be invited to parties and buy wine. I’d drink a bottle before even getting to an event.
The hangovers were horrible. The sickness. The feeling vile and pain in muscles. I knew it was catching up to me.
I was getting more argumentative with my family.
I was a bitch. Hands down. But my Nan knew I was relapsing and then she called the doctor and made me go to see him that’s when I stopped drinking for a while as the doctor warned me on the things it could happen to me and I was far too frightened.
One day when I came home from somewhere, I was crying my eyes out. I knew I had some alcohol in my draws, so I rushed upstairs. Picked the bottle up and nearly took a sip of it.
But I didn’t. I ran down stairs to my Nan with all the bottles and watched her pour all of them down the sink.
Since then, I rarely drink. I only drink when I feel like I want too and when my anxiety gives me a good day and I want a night out with my friends and that’s rarely.
I’ve swapped going out on nights out rarely now. I’d rather be in my Got (Game of thrones) pjs & chilling with my Nan watching game of thrones or make up videos on YouTube with a nice cuppa with Oreos!
Please listen to me now.
From a wiseish girl.
Please do not drink if you are trying to get rid of pain. It may make you feel numb for a couple of minutes but it will leave physical effects and will be worse for you.
You are good enough. You can get through the dark times. You can see the bright rainbow especially as I’ll be with you on your journey.
You can do this. I’m here. I can do this.
We both can do it.
My direct messages are always open on my social media accounts.
If you are going through a bad time please ring:
- Samaritans- 116 123
- If you are showing any physical illnesses due to drinking ring your doctors or NHS direct line if after surgery hours- 111
- Frank Uk – +44 300 123 6600
- Drink line- 0300 123 1110
Till next time my lovely people!