You saw the title.
I am five months SH free. No abusing any alcohol substances or hurting myself.
SH- Self Harm
I had small relapses. I touched a razor blade with the safety cap on but never used it and opened a bottle of gin, but I never drank it I poured it down the sink.
Yes, it’s a small achievement but to me it’s damn big and I’m feeling strong.
When I see my scars on my legs and arms and wrists. I’m not ashamed of those scars. I’m not ashamed of anything. Yes, I’m not proud binge drinking but I’m not ashamed as I was ill. It wasn’t my fault.
The scars tell me about my journey with a mental illness. I’m stronger and it’s okay to not to be okay.
I’m not going to lie and say the thoughts have disappeared. Because they haven’t. I still get the thoughts when I’m having any type of day. Whether it’s good or bad.
It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to scream. It’s okay to sob all night. It’s okay to scream and shout. it’s okay to feel upset and a bit emotional. It’s okay to feel happy.
If you are battling an illness whether it’s physical or mental. I believe in you. You can do this.
I had days where I could just go back to that stage of my recovery, but I know now when I’m about to go through an episode, I just sit down and have sip of water and then I do a bit of self care to try get my head back into the positive vibes mindset I’m trying to set with my battle.
It’s okay to have relapses. Of course, it is. You’re reading the blog of the girl who’s had 3 relapses in her mental health battle and 2 relapses in her self harm battle. I’m not ashamed of my relapses. I’m not proud of the binge drinking of course I’m not but I wasn’t to blame. I am ill, and I needed urgent help back then.
I can’t just suddenly sleep my illness off. I wish I could. I wish there was a guide to having depression and anxiety because it’s been a battle and half. One day I can open the window and smoke out of it then the other day, I get anxious that If I open the window, will I fall out of it or someone will come in and hurt me.
I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t write on my Christmas list to “Santa” Oh I wanted a mental illness when I reach the age of 17.
So, I have no idea why do I get judged for having an illness which wasn’t my fault?
Take for example.
I went to A&E for 2 completely different situations.
I broke my ankle. I got support and got a wheelchair as I couldn’t walk. I was given pain killers to numb the pain and had an x ray within 2 hours. I got given food and drink as I was hungry.
I was suffering from suicidal thoughts and intentions of doing it. I didn’t feel safe to be on my own. I got told to stay in a corner. When I asked for some water, I was told I wasn’t allowed to have a glass of water. I was stared at. I waited 9 hours. I was told unless I did attempt to kill myself they couldn’t do anything and sent me home. Especially when I was begging for help.
It’s hard living with Social Phobia disorder and Depression. It’s exhausting mentally and physically. But what makes it harder to live with a mental illness or any illness is stigma.
Being told things like this:
- You can’t be depressed, you look fine.
- You’re only a bit down.
- It could be worse for you.
- Snap out of it Shannon and pull yourself together.
- You need a stiff drink.
- You can’t be depressed all your life.
- It’s only bit of nerves, I can get nervous.
- Don’t be daft.
What should be said:
- I’m always here to chat when you feel like chatting.
- Are you okay?
- Do you need some help?
- How are you feeling?
- You can beat this.
- I have faith in you.
- You look beautiful.
- Let’s go to your favourite place and create fun memories.
You are all beautiful people. Even if you don’t know me, I love you for battling on when the demons tell you not too. Because I know how it feels like. I’m always here to chat. My recovery is worth it. Your recovery is worth it. Everyone’s recovery is worth it.
Let’s stamp out stigma!
Till next time..