It’s your girl Shannon!
Well yeah, because it’s my blog but I always wanted to say that but let’s carry on about this post.
Living with Depression and Anxiety. Well it’s not the best thing than dominos cookies. But it’s a hurdle I am jumping through every single day of my life. It’s emotionally let alone physically exhausting. But I’m not Depression or Anxiety hell nah. I’m Shannon and I’m worth it.
My parents. Amazing people. They blessed me with so many things in my life. They went on a hunt for a tiny tears doll for my 5th birthday and they found one. They gave me love. My bubbly personality. Many things. My random dancing in the bathroom. My random singing.
Trust me, I should win Britain got talent. I make my Nan cry. Hoping that’s because my singing is so good, but we will never know this as she never tells me, but I say I’m good.
Mum was beautiful. Dad is a legend.
Even though I think me, and my brother made him go bald but that’s another post. Dad did have cool hair once. Blonde highlights. Cool as anything. Shout out to my old man.
Therefore, I always get my random hair ideas from him when he was younger. Cheers Dad. I can’t thank them enough for teaching me many things in life. Educating me not to judge anyone as you don’t know what they are going through.
2 years ago.
I didn’t smile. I hid my face. I hated photos. I hated myself. I hated my body. I had no friends. I was alone. I felt unwanted and a burden to my family. I never went out at all because I was scared. I was scared I was going to get hurt. I cried at anything. I had no communication with no one. I felt like I was going insane. It truly felt like my body was slowly going underneath me. I was so ashamed of how I felt because I didn’t feel “normal” and I was just going downhill. I started drinking. I used alcohol as my coping method in life. I was in a black cloud. Every time I tried to climb out the dark black cloud, I felt like something was holding onto me and pulling me back on the ground. I was going insane. I felt worthless. My eating habits was weird. I didn’t eat for days then for days I would binge eat. I started self harming. I was trapped inside my own head. I made myself sick. I had no interests in life. My sleep pattern was messed up. I felt like a lost cause.
21st of February 2018.
I smile, and I rarely hide my face. I love selfies. I love mirror selfies. I love to snapchat so does my grandad. I met so many nice people since I started my mental health recovery journey. I’ve met so many nice people since I started blogging. I love my body. I love my fat thighs. I love my eyes. I love my personality. I love blogging! I love writing. It’s my getaway when I am feeling low. I joke about. I dab. I annoy my big brother. I love makeup. I love life. I sing. I dance. I love watching movies. I love pizza.
I have bad days. I have blips in my recovery journey. I cry. I scream and shout. Sometimes, I have no energy to get out of bed. But that’s okay. I’m not lazy. I’m ill. I cry. But that’s okay when I’m not feeling okay. I sometimes go quiet and not talk to anyone for days because mentally I’m exhausted and can’t cope with waiting around for messages as my anxiety starts eating me up. But guess what?! That’s okay and my friends and family who are my true friends know I’m going through a bad day. My drinking. I’ve had days where I could drink 5 bottles of vodka and go on a wild night out. But that’s not personally what I want. That was my coping technique when I hit my problems. I’m not going to punish myself for thinking like that because it’s not my fault at all. As some days, I need someone to give me a massive hug and say it’s okay not to be okay. I still have the suicidal thoughts.
But man, I’m still here, I made it through my dark times. The times my head told me I wasn’t worth it to breathe. I’m not my suicide attempt. I’m me.
My scars. I’m not ashamed why should I be? When I go for a shower. I look at my legs and arms. I used to hate them. But now, I say to myself. You are good enough gal, rock your weird ass hair colours and be you.
It’s like riding a bike.
Sometimes you fall off the bike when you try to speed to try and make people proud of you. That’s why sometimes you need stabilisers and the help. I know when I push myself too much. I start having headaches and I get really irritated with things like my laptop or mobile phone and myself.
I’m not ashamed of myself or my illness. Because I’m not Anxiety or Depression or the medication I take. They didn’t give birth to me on my birthday. They didn’t raise me. My parents did.
Yes, I suffer with two mental illnesses but I’m not a victim of them.
I’m a survivor and I’m going to beat this illness and to speak about mental illness for the people who are struggling right now and who fear the stigma and being judged for something what isn’t there fault. I will help to stamp out of the stigma.
I’m not going to give up this battle even on the days when my head tells me the darkest thoughts. I’m going to fight this. I’m going to talk. I’m going to show people that it’s okay not to be okay. I’m going to remember all the people who I have lost due to having a mental illness.
No one should ever be judged with something they couldn’t help.
Don’t judge anyone with a mental illness.
Don’t judge anyone with a physical illness.
End the stigma. Stigma kills. Stigma hurts. Stigma isn’t helpful. Stigma doesn’t make someone recover quicker. It takes longer to speak out for help as they have the fear they will be judged.
Spread love and help each other.
If no one has told you this.
You are worth it. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are good enough. It’s okay not to be okay. Please take care of your mental health and physical health. You can do this. I believe in you. I’m going to be here every step of the way.
Love Shannon x