When I was back in school. I saw people having counselling for illnesses what I didn’t even know about back then. I heard about self harm and how people did it. It was playground gossip. I heard things like they only did it for attention. So back then I was like well I would never get an illness like that. I’m too strong, little did I know, I was suffering from depression and social phobia and anxiety and I didn’t even know about it…
I am fighting two mental illnesses and I’m not ashamed of me or them illnesses.
Depression and Social Phobia Disorder (It’s a form of anxiety)
Before I got educated what it was and what symptoms you would likely face with experiencing depression. I thought depression was just being sad and you just would cry 24/7. I thought you would have to be miserable to be depressed. I had no idea how hard to live with depression was. This is one of the reasons why I punished myself badly before speaking out about it because back then I use to stigmatised myself without even learning about it first.
Social Phobia has made me it’s bitch for 2 and half years. The lowest times I experienced was when I stayed in my house for a year without going out as I was that scared that I was going to get hurt as my head told me I was going to get hurt badly. Now, I still fight social phobia. It takes me hours to even go to the corner shop sometimes as I’m that scared I’m being followed. I get anxious when I must call people. I get scared when I must plan things because my head loves to try and ruin my plans.
Therefore, primary and secondary schools and after school clubs needs to bring in teaching about mental health and mental illness, we need more awareness about the “taboo” subject. As not just adults suffer from having a mental illness. Children can suffer as well. It’s not just and “Teenager & Adults” Illness. Anyone can suffer from having a mental illness and they could not even know about it.
Because that’s why stigma is around because when people speak about mental illness. someone pipes up and says something horrible about mental health and then the person who over hears the conversation doesn’t speak when they are facing a problem.
It’s a horrible cycle.
I would never wish anyone let alone my worst emery to experience any mental illness. It’s exhausting mentally and physically. The heart break it affects not only you but your family and friends. The fatigue you get when you’ve had 8 hours sleep. Then the insomnia you get because your thoughts are that dark and you can’t escape them. The 2am crying into your pillow so no one can hear it because you want to show them that you are strong, but you know you need a hug and to be told everything will be okay.
I’ve lost so many friendships due to having a mental illness. I’ve lost so many people who were fighting a mental illness due to suicide. I was nearly one of those statistics.
I lost my confidence. My self-esteem. My bubbly personality. My interests in makeup and game of thrones. My interest in life and exploring random places and enjoying moments.
In return I had scars, tears and wishing I wasn’t here when my heart knew I want to be alive, but my head keeps telling me I’m not worth the oxygen or my heart beat.
Does that really sound like being lazy to you?
Does that really sound like fun to you?
I’m still me.
My illnesses don’t define me of course they don’t.
They aren’t the ones who make people smile with my random questions like does the queen go to Wetherspoons? They aren’t the ones who are singing 24/7 with her headphones in.
One day I will beat these illnesses and I will look back to this. I will carry on blogging as I love writing. I think this is my hidden talent.
Don’t judge a book by its cover. Even if you think a person looks fine. You have no idea what they could be going through.
I’m just like you.
So, let’s end stigma, together shall we?
Love Shannon x