I’m a bit late as we are in late February and its nearly March.
But I’d thought I would do another Mental Health Story Part 3!
Part 1 – My Mental Health Battle.
Part 2- My Mental Health Battle Part 2!
I’m not going to lie to you on my blog and say that I’m feeling amazing
Because that would be an utter lie. This start of the year has been so jumpy. I thought I met someone who was sweet and amazing but no he turned out to be a player and only wanted that one thing. I didn’t give it to him as I didn’t want too. He’s played me like a little game and took all my confidence again. He thinks it’s funny to joke about my feelings, but I try and be strong and ignore it. He even thinks it funny to joke about seeing my best mate and seeing if he can pull her with my help. Spending two hours in his car being told why I wasn’t good enough to be his girlfriend. But I was good enough to have sex with. Then I had to pretend to be that strong in his car for the drive home and had to hold my tears back until I got out.
I wish I had my Mum to call sometimes or to go and have a hug. Because it fucking hurts being told you’re not good enough every damn time but you’re also being told you are such a perfect girl.
You just think what the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t no one love me? Why do I push people away? Why can’t I just be good enough just for somebody.
I either feel too much or I have no feelings. That what fucks me up even more. I just need help and it seems no one doesn’t want to help me. My trust issues are dipping back down with men. That’s so sad but I’m that scared that I will get hurt again.
My Nan got ill and got rushed into the hospital with chest sepsis. I had to face so many hurdles and while my head was physically and mentally exhausted it was a challenge, but my Nan is the last part of my Mum which scared the life out of me. I nearly turned to alcohol by buying a bottle of vodka because the pain was that bad and I was all alone in my house, but I took a sip and spat it out. It went down the drain thankfully.
My dark thoughts are here with me still. Therefore, I’m typing this up now as I’m currently having some suicidal thoughts and crying at bring me to horizon songs. Because that’s how I get all the thoughts out. I just wish I wasn’t having this nightmare anymore. It feels like I’m living in a black cloud and when I do jump and get out. This great British wind drags me down again to square one.
Now, I just feel like I can’t be loved. You know, it feels like when I meet someone. Something awful happens. It’s a pretty shit feeling. I just want to make my parents proud of me.
Right now, I just want love and some appreciation for me.
Everyone deserves that don’t they? Everyone deserves respect and love.
Yes, I haven’t been the perfect angel on earth, but I haven’t been bad. I don’t see the point why I feel like I’m being punished every damn time.
But some positive things happened to me!
I am 5 months and a week self harm free. I haven’t binged on alcohol since 2017. I haven’t cut myself since 2017. I have had temptations and trust me they were hard to overcome. My scars hurt so much in the cold so I’m trying to find some ways to make them heal quicker.
I became an ambassador for @Exhale
I became a champion for @Timetochange
I became a contributor for @AMHA
I became a hero for @Fandabby
I became a contributor for @Offyourchest
This blog is saving my life if I’m honest. I know I can rant on here and spill my emotions on here. If I’m feeling down, I can start writing posts. If I’m feeling happy, I can share my good news. It’s like my little diary but so many amazing people are reading it. I love writing.
Just remember. It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to feel upset and cry. It’s okay to feel angry. It’s okay if you just want to cry and scream into your pillow. Please speak if you are going through a shit time. I’m with you every step of your journey.
If my blog helps anyone, just a little bit, it will help me. Because helping is in my nature. I love helping and I love being a mental health advocate.
I might do another part of my mental health battle in a few months. It’s been awful start of the new year, but I really do hope it improves.
Till next time…
Love Shannon x
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