Have you ever had one of those nightmares what you suddenly have woken up in a sweat? Maybe crying or screaming for help? Maybe rushing for your family members for a hug because it felt that real it scares the living daylights out of you.
My nightmare is real life like a black cloud over my head 24/7 and it’s never ending at this stage of my life.
My nightmare or people who are battling Mental & Physical Illnesses doesn’t just end when we open our eyes.
The feeling of exhaustion and being a burden to your family. The guilty feeling you feel when you cancel plans as you say you’re too “busy” to make them. But, you have no energy to get out of bed as you spent most of the night tossing and turning and looking at your ceilings because your head is telling you that you’re not good enough for anyone and no one is going to love silly fat, Shannon.
Sometimes I’m up at 4am on the phone to Samaritans as I’m that scared and lonely that my thoughts will win over me. I’m scared of being alone when I’m battling those dark intrusive thoughts as my head tells me so many things that are so untrue.
Like today. I had a pretty good day. But a thought I had was if I ate today I would get hurt later, so I tried not to eat but my Nan sat me down and persuaded me to eat.
These thoughts range from my family being hurt to myself being hurt. Physically and emotionally.
Being told I’m not good enough 200 times a day without fail. Being scared to message anyone as I have that fear of being left without a reply. Feeling that low and thinking: I wonder if anyone would miss me if I went, I doubt it.
Sometimes when my Nan goes to the shop. I must ring her 20 times to see if she’s okay as if she isn’t back at a certain time. Or my anxiety would go on a wild goose chase. My mind goes out of control and thinking of the most upsetting situation ever.
When I do use the phone when people don’t answer the phone straight away. My anxiety comes in and makes me feel like no one wants to talk to me and if I talk to anyone I will get hurt.
It’s not my fault. It’s my Illnesses. It’s my nightmare what I’m battling 24/7 even when I’m asleep and awake.
Then other times at 8pm I’m snoring my head off because I’m that exhausted I can’t focus or can’t eat as my head just doesn’t want to play well with me.
The nightmare in public when you look tired and when you pick up your medication and you get the judgemental looks to say “Oh another crazy one who doesn’t even make effort to look good” or “I wouldn’t trust her to pick her meds up Christine, she’ll try to kill herself” or the classic: “She doesn’t even look ill”
I’m not crazy. I’m not mad. I’m not lazy. I’m not a freak. I’m not a joke. I’m not a failure. I’m not a suicidal freak. I’m not a miserable girl who sits in her bedroom 24/7 crying. I’m not a girl who just gets nervous.
Hell, Nah sister!
I’m Shannon and I’m worth it and damn I’m proud of myself for battling and carrying on when I wanted to give up so many times.
I’m ill. I’m normal. I’m the same person I was before.
I’m just not okay now and that’s completely fine. It’s completely fine for me to cry and scream if I want to let all my emotions out. It’s completely fine if I need some alone time with a big duvet and films. It’s completely fine if I want to vent my feelings on my blog and to create posts while I’m feeling down as it’s my getaway.
It’s completely fine if I don’t want to go out sometimes and I just want to watch some YouTube videos about makeup. It doesn’t make me a failure at all.
It’s completely fine to say “Shannon, breathe. You can do this gal” When I’m having an anxiety attack and feeling like I can’t battle anymore.
I understand that I will have blips in my journey, so I am concentrating on the good times of my recovery and I understand I won’t have amazing good days. My bad days teach me to appreciate my good days.
It’s okay not to be okay and when you do need help, it’s okay to ask for help. You aren’t a failure at all. You are amazing!
If no one has ever told you this.
You are brilliant & beautiful and I’m bloody proud of you.
Till next time!
Love, Shannon Diana x
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