It’s your girl Shannon! I want to talk about scars. Self harm is such a taboo subject just like mental illness. No one should be ashamed of neither.
Let’s get started.
I tend to wear hoodies 24/7 as I hate showing my arms. I rarely not wear tights when I’m wearing dresses as I don’t want anyone to see my scars on my legs. I rarely trust men who I’m with to look at my scars as I’m scared I’m going to get prejudged before even listening to me.
I’m not ashamed of my scars. It’s just tiring to repeat the same answer all the time when people ask me why I have scars and am I a “freak” and if I’m okay in the “head“.
The answer to that question is that no I’m not a freak and yes, I’m okay, I’m human and I am currently ill.
My scars don’t tell my battle.
I tell my battle.
My scars aren’t in control of how I move or speak. I do that.
My scars don’t breathe for me. My scars aren’t big scary things that jump out the bedroom wardrobe what you think of when you’re five, so your parents have to pretend they got rid of them.
My scars are slowly fading. They hurt when It’s freezing cold. But I know I just put body lotion on them to soften the scar and it takes time for healing just like your recovery.
I was out of control.
Drinking alcohol nearly every day to help “stop” the pain. Little did I know back then, it wasn’t helping me one bit. It was making my illness worse and I was making myself ill physically and mentally.
My alcohol misuse post is here: Alcohol Misuse & Recovery!
I was cutting myself with anything. I just was in self-destruct mode and I wanted this pain to end. I wasn’t being careful with infections in my arm because the pain was that bad from the scars and my head.
My self harm recovery post is here: 5 months SH free!
I wasn’t listening to no one as I thought, nah this can’t be a problem. I would have never expected me to face a mental illness let alone self harming myself.
Mental Illness can affect anyone. Even if you’re the richest or poorest person on the earth.
I’m six months self harm free now. I’ve had temptations when my head and thoughts start playing around with me.
Like right now, my head is telling me I’m a failure just because I haven’t eaten breakfast. I’ve only eaten ginger biscuits but I’m not hungry due to my head deciding to tell me I’ll be fat all my life and no one loves me.
Just because right now, I’m having a bad hour. Doesn’t mean I’m a failure. It’s completely fine to cry or even stay in my bed for an extra hour watching YouTube videos.
Sometimes when the thoughts are far too hard to process on my own I ring-
Samaritans- 116 123
It’s okay not to be okay you know. You don’t need to put a brave face on. If you want to sit and cry over a game of thrones episode. I did it. When Jon snow died in season 5. I’m not embarrassed. I’m just waiting patiently for season 8!
You are more than your scars.
You are you and no one can take that from you.
You define you. Not your illnesses or scars.
My illnesses or scars, they don’t scare me anymore. I could talk about mental health all day. I’m not ashamed. neither should you.
Till next time.
Love Shannon Diana x
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