It’s not going well, I feel so shit for writing this but it’s true. I feel like I’m going insane in my own mind right now.
I have no idea where to turn to either as I’m scared I’m going to get pushed to a side as they will just blame it on my depression and I know it’s something more as I feel like I’m losing the will to live and control of my own brain.
I have no idea what happening anymore.
I used to be so stable and used to know what’s happening but past couple of months it’s getting worse and darker. My head is exhausted but energetic at the same time.
I’m having days where I can be high as anything and energetic than other times I feel exhausted and empty and worthless.
Then I have days where I can’t get out of bed as my head is far too dark and the racing thoughts.
What is sleep? I rarely sleep nowadays but when I do sleep for an hour I feel like I can run the world on one-hour sleep.
Impulsive spending. I can spend £200 in a day and not care a damn sometimes. That what is scaring me, and I want it to stop.
I hate my body and myself. I just feel ugly and worthless right now.
I just want to be loved and I just want to stop feeling like the family disappointment and the stigma I hate it.
Like I have no idea why I feel this bad this week. I feel like I’m losing control of my own brain right now, but It will get better.
I don’t want no sympathy, I just thought you should know why I won’t be blogging this weekend.
I’m sorry for the shitty negative post but I think I need a few days which right now is killing me as my blog is my getaway from mental illness even if I’m talking about it.
You are worth it and so is your recovery.
Till next time,
Love, Shannon Diana x