Trigger warning- This post talks about self-harm and a suicide attempt and substance misuse. Please skip this post if you are feeling low.
I started this blog when I was in a low state. I wanted to help other people. I wanted to feel better but, I wanted to end my life as the dark thoughts were getting darker and I felt like a burden to my family as I thought I was a “freak” of the family because I was suffering from a mental illness.
This must be my most personal post ever. Everyone knows I’m very open about my own mental health issues and life.
I’m always going to be a mental health advocate all my life not just because I’m battling two mental illnesses myself but I also want to fight for people who have lost their voices as they are being discriminated by others and I want to show people that’s it okay to have a bad day and it’s okay not to feel okay.
I tried to hide the fact I was relapsing again with using alcohol by binge drinking to get rid of the pain and the signs I was relapsing. I was self-harming because the pain of the cuts was slightly stopping the pain what I was having with my head but in all honesty, it didn’t stop.
Now I have scars but that doesn’t mean I’m weak. It means I was having a bad time in my life and I’ve now learnt some techniques what I can do when I’m having a bad moment and feel the urge.
I was putting myself in so many dangerous situations. I stayed out at stupid times while drinking alcohol. I used to meet so many random people. I used to stay out at 6am every night being drunk out of my mind because I wanted to get rid of these thoughts what was telling me I was a failure and I wasn’t good enough 24/7. I wasn’t getting a break from those dark intrusive thoughts and quite frankly I wasn’t okay.
I was at the lowest point of my life. I didn’t have any hope for life or my future. In my head, I thought I was alone even if the room was full of people.
I wanted to be loved and wanted so much but I’m so scared of being hurt so it’s made me emotionally unavailable what’s messes up relationships I could have.
I tried to commit suicide once and thankfully it failed. I’m not going to say what I did. I’m going to just say I was deep in the dark thoughts and I wanted to be with my mum to stop this pain from hurting. I still suffer from the after effect of that attempt to this very day emotionally and physically.
I still hurt. I still have those thoughts. I still battle them daily but now I know that it’s okay to have bad days and it’s okay not to feel up to things. It’s okay if you didn’t out of bed this morning or didn’t shave your legs.
I was ashamed before of being ill as I got told by so many people as it wasn’t an illness. Of course, it’s an illness. I’m not ashamed of being ill. Hell nah, I deserve treatment and support most importantly respect.
I screamed and shouted at the pain. I hated the pain. I tried to cover the pain with things what caused me more pain.
Take for example if I listen to the song Breathe Me by Sia. I start crying as it reminds me of the times when I was so alone, so I try to avoid that song now as it just brings bad memories and often triggers my dark thoughts.
I nearly lost my life to mental illness because it got that dark I couldn’t handle being by myself anymore. I couldn’t cope. Mentally I was already dead even if I was still breathing. It’s time to fight back for my voice as I do deserve the respect so does everyone else.
I still have suicidal thoughts, but they aren’t that intrusive anymore I’ve kind of learnt how to handle them when I’m feeling so low as they have been happening daily so I kind of gotten use to them.
I’ve realised it’s nothing to be ashamed of and yeah, I have illnesses what are invisible but I’m slowly getting better by each day and my recovery will take time.
I love my body and my confidence is growing as much as it can.
I will have bad days, but I will have some amazing days.
I vow to fight stigma all my life as I personally know what it feels like to be judged when you are ill, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
We all have issues in our lives so why not support each other and you can battle them all together?
I will not stop fighting for the voices what have been cruelly taken away by mental illness and the stigma that is attached to mental illness.
I am back to blogging now as last week was a bad week for my own mental health and I just needed some rest as my thoughts were getting out of control again and I felt that the work I’ve done to keep the bad thoughts at ease was relapsing.
Till next time.
Love Shannon Diana x
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Thank You x