Trigger Warning- This post contains self harm and suicide if you are currently going through anything bad or if this will make your mental health to decline. Please do not read this post. Thank You. If you need any support, please get in contact with myself or Samaritans.
Suicide– Suicide is complex. It usually occurs gradually, progressing from suicidal thoughts to planning, to attempting suicide and finally dying by suicide. – International Association for Suicide Prevention
Suicide can happen to any gender whether you are male or female. Suicide is the silent killer. You may not know the signs that someone is planning to end their life until it’s too late for you to help and support them.
This is a very sensitive yet crucial post on suicide. In 2018 it’s a taboo subject to talk about, it rarely gets spoken about. But without spreading awareness on this subject. It will still be a taboo topic in ten years time if we don’t talk about suicide. So, I think it’s time to open about my suicide attempts and how they affect me in my life today. Because without spreading awareness. Suicide will still be a taboo subject when I am older and have children myself and the stigma what is attached to suicide will be still around.
So, I’ll just tell you a bit about myself first.
- I’m 20 years old.
- I have a dog called Oscar he’s a Jack Russell and he’s five years old.
- I live in a village called Aldridge.
- I love rap music.
- I love game of thrones.
- I love makeup and shopping.
- I love having banter with my family and friends.
I sound and look okay, don’t I?
But what you don’t know is that I am a survivor of 3 suicide attempts. At first, I felt ashamed of saying that but I’m glad my suicide attempts failed as I might not be where I want to be right now. But I will get there in due course. I’m not ashamed to say that I’m a survivor of suicide. I was in my darkest moments in my life while I was being told by everyone just to “chin up or get over it” and I asked for help from community mental health team and doctors, but I felt like no one had time for me and they’d only blamed my hormones as I was a teenage girl growing up.
If you follow me or my blog you’ll know I am super open about my mental health problems and I’m a huge advocate for mental health awareness, ending the stigma and educating people on mental health and suicide awareness.
So, let me tell you my experience with being a survivor of a suicide attempt.
1st suicide attempt– Mid March 2017
I was using alcohol and other things to “hide” my feelings and bad thoughts. Alcohol is the worst thing. It doesn’t help your thoughts. It makes them worse and more intense. It may feel like you are happy and bubbly for like 4 hours then when the alcohol gets out of your systems trust me you feel 1000 times worse. I was declining in my mental health rapidly. I stayed out at 4am every single night. I was drinking loads and when I mean loads. I mean 5 bottles of wine a night because it felt like I had 4 hours of bliss without feeling worthless and suicidal every single minute. I was more tearful. I wasn’t interested in life anymore like I was. I didn’t bother with my hobbies. I felt like I had nothing. I cut my arm very badly on the night I attempted suicide as I wanted to ease the pain and at that time I was relapsing my recovery very rapid. I could feel my life slipping through my grip of my hands slowly and I felt I couldn’t see myself in life anymore. I took a handful of sleeping pills and drank a bottle of vodka and I thought I wouldn’t be here anymore. Until I woke up 12 hours later alive. In that split of a moment when I woke up. I felt glad that it failed because I knew deep inside I wanted to live but my mind just wanted to escape this pain inside my own head. I wanted to ask for help so many times as before I was pushed aside, and it was blamed on being a teenage girl.
2nd Suicide Attempt– Mid August 2017
I was experiencing my suicidal thoughts and they was getting darker. I planned how to end my life. I wrote the goodbye letters. I picked my funeral song. It was going to be “end credits” by plan b. I still remember that to this very day and when I hear that song. I don’t cry. I think I can overcome something so big as that. I can cope with anything. That song represents that part of my life. I even took myself to A&E and told them I had plans to end my life. Then I got told they couldn’t help me unless I try to end my life. I was made to wait in an area with screaming. It felt like I was being pushed out of a&e to harm myself then I’d get some sort of mental health help. On that night I came out of A&E and went to an off-licence and the man who served me must have thought I was going through a break up as I had panda eyes from crying and grabbed 2 bottles of vodka and paid. I went to bus stop by my house and had some paracetamol. I drank all the alcohol then took all the pills. I was scared. So, I rang 111 and begged the lady to take me seriously. I felt my chest getting tighter. I knew it was affecting me and I needed help. Thankfully, the lady took me seriously and sent an ambulance to me. They made me drink Activated charcoal to get rid of the pills what was in my stomach. I got brought into A&E and the lady I saw was so understanding. We talked. Then I waited for CMHT (Community Mental Health Team) and we arranged home treatment for 6 weeks. That a mental health nurse would come in daily just to check how I was doing and if my medication was working. I finally felt like I had some pressure lifted.
3rd Suicide Attempt– April 2018.
My Nan got ill in the February she had chest sepsis we were so close of losing her. I was going through a nightmare. Then my dad underwent a quadruple heart bypass surgery. Seeing him so poorly was a kick to my teeth as I already lost one parent. I didn’t want to lose another. It was so scary. 2 big things what happened in less than 3 months what I had to face. I wasn’t looking after my mental health. I wasn’t noticing the symptoms creeping back up. I kept brushing my feelings off. I kept saying oh yeah, I’m fine, when I wasn’t. I was breaking down inside my head. I hid my thoughts from family as they had enough on their plate with my dad operation and my Nan slowly recovering from chest sepsis. I didn’t want to go out anymore. I didn’t want to do my favourite things. I fell out of love for my blog. I didn’t upload that much. I lost friendships. I wanted the pain to go away. I wanted to feel “happy” again. I missed that feeling. I hated fake smiling. In all reality I wanted to be with my mum. Everything was on top of me. I tried to ask for help but I felt like I was getting nowhere from therapies as they just discharged me without no reason. I was so low. So, I just drank alcohol all night hoping that the pain would be gone. I am glad it failed.
Looking back to my suicide attempts. I’m thankful that they failed. Because I am blessed with my life. When I’m having those type of thoughts. I ring Samaritans. I book an emergency doctor’s appointment, so I can speak to them and hopefully get a plan of action up and running.
I’m not ashamed that I wanted to end my life. I’m not ashamed that I’m a survivor of suicide. I’ve lost a few people to suicide. I’m fighting this illness with my strength, no one is going to knock me down not even illnesses.
You could have everything in the world looks, money, flash cars or you own businesses but still be fighting a mental illness and commit suicide. It Doesn’t matter who you are or how happy you may look. Deep down there are people in this world who are suffering and need support. Not judgemental comments on how it’s a “coward’s” way. It is not a coward’s way.
I still have effects of my attempts daily. I don’t drink anymore as it triggers my mental health and it’s not worth the pain to myself or my family anymore. I have flashbacks and nightmares still. I’m not trusted with my medication. But I am a survivor and I’ll fight until the day I stop breathing for people who I’ve lost due to suicide and mental illness. I still have suicidal thoughts weekly. Not as intense as they are but they are still here.
If you need any support, please get in contact with myself or Samaritans or any of the charities that I’ve listed below.
Don’t stay silent in this battle. You are not alone in this battle against you suicidal thoughts.
Charites what is raising awareness for suicide and the prevention of suicide and I am supporting as this subject is very close to my heart,
CALM(Male Suicide Prevention)- https://www.thecalmzone.net/
Samaritans- https://www.samaritans.org/ Freephone Number is: 116 123
Self Harm UK- https://www.selfharm.co.uk/
Life Signs- http://www.lifesigns.org.uk/
You are loved. You are worth the fight. You are more than your illnesses, You can fight this I believe in you.
All the best my loves,
Shannon Diana xx
If you would like to contact me for PR or any collaborations or even support if you are going through a bad time. Please follow my social media accounts and email me.