TRIGGER WARNING- Contains Suicide & Self Harm & Recovery.
Recovery is a scary word whether it’s physical or mental illness.
Some days I can just zone out and think about what it would be like if I wasn’t here. If it would be easier for my family? If it would be easier for people? If life would of been better if I was just out of this world.
When I walk past bridges or buildings. I get the feeling if I jump now the pain will be gone out of my head for good.
I’ll be honest. I’m tired of fighting mental illness. I’m tired of relapsing. I’m tired of feeling guilty for cancelling plans when I have thoughts telling me I’m going to get hurt or I’m going to embarrass myself. I’m tired of not being able to have a relationship as I have abandonment issues & I just push people away as I’m scared I’ll be left alone even if I push people away. I’m tired of being tired of this fight. I’m tired of feeling intense emotion. I’m tired of impulsive decisions and my over hyper talking when I’m having manic episode. I’m tired of explaining myself to people in pharmacies why I take mood stabilisers.
I’m tired of being judged. I’m tired of not being good enough. I’m tired of negativity. I’m tired of being accused I’m replacing someone when I have a new friend. I’m tired of being yelled at because I’m not making “effort”.
Because in all honestly. I’m here. I’m still breathing. I’m making effort every single day. The nights where the suicidal thoughts creep in and where I feel like I have tendencies to cut myself to relieve the pain out of my head, but I don’t. I just put my headphones in and block the thoughts by very loud music. I’ll probably be deaf by 40 but it’s a coping mechanism.
Recovering from a physical illness is a lot easier than recovering from a mental illness as you sort of know what time frame you will be back to normal health or getting better.
But with mental health. It’s a long ass journey.
- Talking about how you are feeling.
- Getting help & support.
- Getting better.
- High and lows.
- Something triggers your mental health.
- Realising it’s getting bad again.
- Waiting for treatment/therapy.
- Relapses when in therapy etc.
- Back to stage one.
- Fighting each day as it’s your last on this earth but with zero energy.
I might be tired from mental illness but mental illness will never win this battle. I’m tired of fighting these illnesses but I won’t ever stop fighting whether I’m sleeping too much or too little. I will always fight to breathe and fight to be in this world.
Mental illness is a bitch.
Love from Shannon Diana xx