Another day where I generally feel unwanted for no reason at all but my head won’t let me forget this feeling. Another day where I feel like there is an ten stone brick on my chest weighing me down and it’s hard to even string up a sentence. Another day where I wish I could magically click my fingers and I won’t feel like this anymore. Another day where I wake up and wish today was better and I wish I didn’t have the paranoia when I simply walk to the corner shop to get a pint of milk. Another day where I wish I had good friendships and that people wanted to see me and actually would ask if I’m ok. It’s the other way round.
I wish I could just take some medicine and it suddenly makes me happy. But in reality my medication doesn’t make me happy. It makes it easier to cope with simple daily things what people take for granted. For example I wish I could just walk up to someone and say hello or go to the shop without feeling like I’m going to get stared at or hurt.
Some people call my meds “happy pills” but reality they aren’t happy pills. They are pills what keep me alive and functioning when I’m in my darkest times. I hate being alone at night. I really wish they were happy pills. Because the way I’m feeling right now shouldn’t be felt by anyone.
I wish people would recognise that I am trying super hard, I have days where are good and days where are bad. I might look fine but in reality I just feel like that little young girl back when I was 9 where her life turned upside down by her mother passing away.
I’m sorry for being so negative today but I’m just having a bad day and I want to document all my times with mental illness as I can look back and think yes I can beat this day.
But I can always say this. God is watching me and one day he’s gonna make this pain go away.
Even when I’m feeling like this, I feel like when I’m helping other people or speaking out about my mental health daily that I am helping someone and it’s my getaway from the demons as I’m beating them one day at a time.
Love from Shannon x