The past haunted me and my mind is like the spaghetti junction and I don’t know how to get out of it..

Trigger Warning…

 I am writing about sexual abuse and substance abuse and suicidal thoughts.

PLEASE DON’T READ THIS IF YOU ARE IN A VULNERABLE PLACE AT THE MOMENT!

THANK YOU! 🖤

Hello everyone,

I hope you are all okay and had a decent weekend, now it’s Monday morning!

It’s your girl Shannon again! 💁🏻‍♀️

(Well, it is your blog Shannon!)

Bit of a disclaimer here, I’m typing on my phone due to having the app. So, if there’s any spelling mistakes or grammar issues, blame my phone! But when I go on my laptop I correct it!

So,

As by the title, I wanted to have a self care day and I wanted to treat myself as I had a rough day friday by thinking about the things what have happened in my life.

I haven’t been to Walsall for a long time as it makes me go into panic attack mode straight away.

But I wanted to try to beat the demon what kept telling me that I would be hurt and that I would be in a dangerous place.

So, let’s begin!

I had my medication and had my breakfast and a wash. So, I decided as the bus wasn’t due to Walsall until 30 minutes and the only bus was the 937 (Brownhills!) so I thought I’d catch the 937 then go to costa and have my favourite drink! (Red Berries fruit cooler!) I adore those and a (Ham & Cheese toastie!)

Me and buses aren’t the best at times. Normally, I just keep my headphones in and pretend to look at my phone and just do steady breathing exercises. It works most a time.

I was okay when I was at costa, I had my earphones in blasting Panic! At the disco in my ears, as that’s my favourite band.

How to win my heart over in a meal. 

I did some blogging on my phone. I adore WordPress app!

Everything was going fine. I had sweaty palms but I blamed it on the heat and I was talking to costa staff, so I brushed that off..

But when I got out of costa, inside I felt like my chest getting tighter and I started to get a headache. I just did my breathing exercises what I taught myself. I can tell when I am going to have a panic attack easy.

So, I went to primark and brought a few things. I had another panic attack, I decided to go home as my head just wasn’t in the right place at the time. 

But I just told myself, that I was going to be okay. My head has been somewhat mixed feelings and thoughts this week. A lot of ups and downs. My head has been like the spaghetti junction. 

img_5960

Not my picture- This is how my mind is feeling right down due to everything what has happened this week and weekend.

On Tuesday,

I saw someone getting off the bus and walking down the street while I was at the project and sorting my mental health display out. 

That person happened to be the man who groomed me when I was just 18 years old. (Now, I’m 20. nearly 21 and I still can remember everything what happened!) 

This happened 4 months after the year I stayed in my house due to my social phobia getting out of control.

Before I could even get the words out to my brain, that’s it’s going to be okay and the fact he wasn’t going to go near me. I felt my body tensing up and I felt the pain in my chest. I started to feel like I was flinching and that my leg started to feel like it was shaking 50 miles per hour. I felt my eyes watering and I felt like I was a little vulnerable girl who couldn’t move as her body was frozen. 

I felt so many emotions at once. I felt like my head was exploding. I had so many questions inside my head. 

Why wasn’t I worthy for justice? Why wasn’t I taken seriously by the police? Why was it me? Why wasn’t anyone there when I needed the support? Why didn’t anyone notice that I was mentally damaged by that man? Why didn’t I get any help? Why did he do it? Why has he got away with it?

I think this was the reason why I turned to substances to get rid of the dark thoughts and the pain I was feeling. I’ve cried inside far many times. I wanted to end my life due to this when I was 18. 

I’m scared. I’m scared of letting people get close to me as incase that will happen to me again, when I’m having a bad day and I go near a lad. My leg starts to shake and tense up as I’m scared. I’m mentally damaged and exhausted of keeping all this in. I’m scared to talk about it as my brain has to think about all of it again. I’m scared of him. 

It makes me scared, as he’s out in the community and he could be talking to any other girl under the age of 16 and trying to groom them. 

It makes me shake when I think of the stuff he did to me. He has probably read my blog at a time. 

Wednesday evening after my anxiety disorder session, I went to the shop to get something healthy for dinner. My mind went straight to the alcohol section. I was fighting with the devil and demons. I stayed there for 5 minutes looking at the echo falls wine section. 

But, I didn’t buy it. I went out of the shop quicker than a cheetah running.

I’m a sexual abuse survivor, that person won’t bring me down. I was a young vulnerable person when that happened to me, but I can’t ever forget what he sent me and what he asked me it’s planted in my brain and I’m scared when I see him in community still and was so close to my family and friends. He’s ruined the little trust I had. It’s made me stronger and I’m determined to help people with situations like this. I won’t let that man get the last laugh that he’s got away with it with a letter. 

My mental health display. I’m still doing it<3 

Now it’s Sunday evening, it’s taken me 7 hours writing this up. My head hasn’t been nice to me at all. This week has really been a tough one. I wanted to give up so many times. I wanted to end this pain I was facing.

I vent on my blog with the stuff what has happened to me in my life as it’s my getaway from my brain and I feel a bit better when I let it all out and let all my emotions out.

It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to feel shit. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to scream.

It’s been a tough week. I’m hoping this week is different and better.

My aim is to help people not just help myself. My aim is to help people talk and help me in the future to talk about what has happened and get the help they need and I need. I want to help get the right punishment for the abusers as my abuser just got a slap on the wrist and told not to go near me again.

If I was able to turn back time, I would have fighted for justice but at that stage I was at. I was mentally exhausted and wanted to die and I couldn’t face the torture of living that again. 

If you are experiencing any type of sexual abuse or any type of abuse or you are a survivor of sexual abuse. Please talk, I believe you. I won’t give up fighting for justice for you. 

If anyone needs any support, please email me and I will pass on the correct support line numbers.

I’m not a trained professional or a councillor but I can listen and listening is the most important skill and that can help people by listening and being non-judgemental towards them. 

I believe you. I have love for you. If I could I would hug you and let you get all the emotion out. Here’s a virtual hug and I’m always here. 

Just so you know, it’s okay not to be okay you know, even the happiest person in the universe has their bad days. You can get through this dark hole. I believe in you. 

You are loved. You are worth the fight. You are more than your illnesses, you can fight this I believe in you. You are flawless. You are fabulous. You aren’t alone. You are amazing and I’m proud of you all. 

You can beat these thoughts. I believe in you. I will always be there for you even if it’s on the internet or email or even in person one day.  You are loved. You are needed in this world because you are YOU. You are bad ass for battling mental illness daily. I care about every single one of you. You are more than enough. You don’t need to please anyone else.

God Bless x

Love from Shannon Diana xx img_0563

Here are some numbers what could help- 

National Association for People Abused in Childhood (NAPAC)-0808 801 0331

National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children- 0808 800 5000

The Lucy Faithfull Foundation– 01527 591922

The Survivors Trust-0808 801 0818

Action for children– 020 312 40600

Safe And Sound– 01332 362120

Safeline(Young people helpline)-0808 800 5007

Samaritans– 116123

Male Survivor-0808 800 5005

Rape Crisis England & Wales– 0808 802 9999

Samaritians- For everyone! 24 hours, 7 days a week: 

Call this number – 116 123 

Email address is Jo@samaritans.org 

Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) – For Men!  5pm to midnight every day.

Call this number: 0800 58 58 58 

Webpage chat room if you don’t want to phone the link is: Webpage Chat

Papyrus- For people under 35! Monday to Friday 10am to 10pm. Weekends 2pm to 10pm. Bank Holidays 2pm to 5pm. 

Phone number: 0800 068 41 41 

Text Number: 07786 209697

Email: Pat@papyrus-uk.org

Childline- For children and young people under 19. 

Call 0800 1111 (Number won’t show up on your phone bill) 

The Silver Line- For older people 

Call: 0800 4 70 80 90 

In the US: Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or the National Hopeline Network at 1-800-784-2433

In Austraila- Call Lifeline Austraila at 13 11 14

In other countries- Visit ISAP OR Suicide.org to find a helpline in your country. 

Other places you could go or ring in a crisis in UK: 

  1. Call your GP- Ask for an emergency appointment. 
  2. Call 111 – Out of hours- They will help you find the support and help you need. 
  3. Contact your mental health crisis team if you have one. 

If you would like to contact me for PR or any collaborations or even support if you are going through a bad time. Please follow my social media accounts and email me.

Instagram- @Shannondianaxx  

Twitter- @SDianaax 

Email- ShannonDianax@outlook.com

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