Hey, Beautiful! How are you today? I hope you are all okay and if you aren’t feeling ok. Just remember that’s it ok not to be ok and I hope you can get the right support you need and if you want to talk please remember that I’m here and the correct charities are here to support you!
Happy 2nd Blogmas! (Can I get a high-five for having 2 blogmas posts done up!? Whooop!)
Trigger Warning- This letter is talking about my mental health and it could have some triggers what could affect you. Mentioned in the post is self-harm & suicide attempts and abusing substances and impulsive behaviours.
To my loveable brain what kinda falls out with me but I love ya! (At times)
21 years I’ve had you. You basically control my body and breathing.. (Literally!)
We have had bad memories but somewhat good memories but also some kinda weird moments. Like the brain fog when I go see my doctors?! Like seriously brain.. Making me forget important information like my PIN number or how I’m feeling. But I’m sorry you had to process that trauma at that young child age when my mum died. I know you tried to process that event at your best but it somehow triggered your demon and nervous ex-pals Depression and Anxiety.. But they were fools and overpowered you. I know you and your best friend my body tried it’s hardest to do counselling for 2 years but it didn’t make any difference to depression and anxiety and it manifested into more while I was waiting for help while I was growing up as a young woman.
I kinda felt when you got annoyed at the woman at CAMHS when she said it was just down to teenage girl hormones and you wanted me to scream at her to say that you weren’t feeling safe and you needed help.
You weren’t getting the right help you needed and what you deserved. You was being put under more pressure due to the attendance offer and constantly being told that you would basically fail at life and end up on the dole with no qualifications.. You should of the right support.. Instead, you got a blue report card and told you had to get it signed every lesson you went too or they wouldn’t believe that you went. I know you felt unsafe at school.
You just wanted the correct support but no. You got moaning from education welfare and being told your Nan isn’t doing a good job bringing you up. I’m proud that you stayed here and fought the demons until I thankfully left in May 2014.
You thought you’d get the help once you left that place. But instead, you got the presence of paranoia and suicidal thoughts and being told to just MAN UP because you don’t know what stress is as you are young.
Sadly you kept your feelings and thoughts inside and didn’t trust anyone even doctors or professionals. When you should have shouted from the rooftops that you weren’t ok and you were experiencing those symptoms.
I started college in 2014.. I don’t know if we thought that through did we? Did I really wanted to go to college and study business? Was it impulsive? From thinking of that now. I hate business. I’m shit at maths for a start. I went for a couple of weeks until I started having the annoying Paranoia thoughts and the thunderstorm of fatigued hit me. Don’t get me started on feeling constantly low. Every day I had paranoid thoughts that I’d get hurt if I went to college or even talk to anyone. I felt like I was constantly being stared at like I was the queen… Like, damn the awful effects on my body like the bright red cheeks and sweaty palms for one. Not cool man. Not cool man.
But you felt super safe at home even though mum died upstairs. You started to deteriorate by not going to college for a day a week then it got to three days a week until I didn’t go because I was crying my heart out to my Nan that I felt unsafe everywhere. Weeks went by. Months went by. Then suddenly I stayed in the house for a year. Yes a YEAR, because I was scared and I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone.
How did I stay in the house for a year? I ask you every single day. Until Nan rang the doctors and I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder your horrid next door neighbour where you just don’t get on with as it ruins things before I even plan things. I was told I was too young to have any medication to help me. I was 17 then.
But, I’m proud of you that you slowly got out of the house. You started to get better slowly. You started to feel happier. You started to feel more productive. I thought yes! This is my 2nd chance of like.
Until July 2016 dropped.
I was 18 at that point. You met my delightful.. (Ha!) ex-boyfriend. I was genuinely happy at this point in life. I went on dates. I went everywhere with him. Something cruel happened at that point, where I don’t want to talk about but that changed everything. Until the penny dropped.. I wasn’t good enough for a relationship and he started to play around and get with other women.
You was distraught. You was broken mentally. You were heartbroken. You showed how you were feeling when I kept sleeping for longer and when I lost motivation for life and other signs that I was relapsing back into the dangerous ways of not talking to anyone on how I felt and how I stayed in the house. The depressive episodes you faced. The constant suicidal thoughts and intrusive thoughts you’d get day and night. You started experiencing the other horrid neighbour Psychosis! Psychosis was telling you to harm yourself because you were worthless and you believed and did hurt yourself, it wasn’t your fault don’t ever feel ashamed. You were ill and I’m so sorry you had no one to help.
I went to see the doctor as I was dragged by Nan to heal my scars. You was finally put on Citalopram! You thought so hard against this drug to work. Why didn’t you just accept the help? I wish you did. I kinda guess you and my body just didn’t want it in my system.
So, I was taking those meds which you hated and gave me awful effects like being sick. Yeah.. You were still declining but somehow you stopped me from speaking out because you didn’t want to be judged and be told that you was crazy. You kinda gave me the power to pretend that I was ok and nothing was wrong.
You kept declining in your wellbeing. You now had bursts of high energy some weeks and then suddenly low depressive drops which was quite dangerous.. As you used alcohol and drugs to hide how you was feeling as when you was feeling really happy, you had so many uncontrollable thoughts where you thought you was superwoman at one point and you just wouldn’t stop laughing and talking fast before you even finished the sentence. Then suddenly massively low drops where you nearly succeeded to take your life as you felt so lonely and worthless which led to the constant voices being told you weren’t wanted in life or you were a failure. You thought it was normal as the school didn’t teach anything about mental health and you kept being told if you had those type of feelings again to MAN UP!
Do you remember when you was depressive you didn’t have the energy to even wash your car when you loved that car you brought when you was feeling impulsive..
Oh yeah, Impulsivity.. I have a bone to pick with you next..
Impulsivity why were we best friends?! You drained my bank account. You made me do some stupid things, man. You made me put myself in some bad situations like hotel rooms with random men just to get that high feeling and being validated which when I felt stable I was so shy and thought what the heck?
I had some unstable friendships and relationships don’t even get me started. You constantly told me that they were going to leave me and hurt me. You gave me the energy to do how many things at once then boom I was back to the suicidal state. I didn’t sleep at times because you just wouldn’t let me sleep. I started to get into arguments with people such as my brother and Nan.
You and I tried Fluoxetine. We both hated that. Remember when I use to get the dreaded heartburn when every time I ate. Then I was put on Paroxetine, which is actually working!!
Then Dad had his heart attack. You had to process that which you didn’t do it well. You cried then went out on the night and drank how many pitchers to hide how you felt when you were meant to make me talk on how I felt to someone. You were told he had to have a quadruple heart bypass or he’d die. That sudden mood drop which was dangerous. You used alcohol and drugs more to hide how you were so scared that you were going to lose another parent under the age of 19/20. You tried to pretend that you were ok to everyone. You even got into a relationship that wasn’t mentally healthy for you. You had dad op on your mind.
I stopped drinking and taking drugs as I knew that just wasn’t me and I wanted to prove that I was a fighter and I could fight these evil illnesses aka your pals and neighbours.
You were feeling seriously suicidal one night and you encouraged me to start a blog and to write how I was feeling. Then boom another event happened.
Nan gets seriously ill and nearly died of chest sepsis. I was the one who rang 999 for an ambulance, You made me do that and I saved my Nan life. So, thank you.
Social Anxiety and Depression was on the warpath for you as you kept going up the hospital to see my Nan. Then I was told dad was declining in his health. You couldn’t process all that at once, so we felt out and you relapsed badly.
Dad had his operation. I went to see him every day even though we felt out and we were declining rapidly. Then once he got home and safe. Anxiety managed to catch you and started with those thoughts again.
The mood swings. Manic then depressive frequently. Paranoia. Hearing voices what weren’t in real life. I was rapidly declining. I was trying to pretend I was ok. I kept putting things on my list what was ram packed. I thought I could do everything in a short amount of time. I was talking rapidly and suicidal thoughts so I went to A&E.
I got sent an appointment for us to see what was happening between us. You were seriously ill. We saw the psychiatrist and talked on how I was feeling and what was happening. She prescribed us a medication to try.
It’s QUETIAPINE. Which is an anti-psychotic to help stabilize the mood swings you have?
So.. Yeah you and I are slowly working with each other to help each other out.
But you need to know.. THAT’S it’s ok not to be ok at times and it’s ok to talk on how you are feeling.
Now, I’ll check in on you in the new year of 2019. Don’t pretend. Be honest with your feelings. Keep raising awareness and don’t suffer in silence. Take care of yourself. Keep on loving fashion and makeup. Keep loving yourself.
Love your fave..
PS. Don’t I look cute in a cap.
Mental illness isn’t going to get the last laugh. I am.
I fight for my health and for other people’s health every single day in a way most people won’t understand, we aren’t lazy. We are warriors!
If you don’t feel like talking to yet, I’ll always be here and I’ll help out any way I can. You aren’t alone.
I know how it feels to be pushed aside. But listen, you are amazing and I’m proud of you so much.
Just so you know, it’s okay not to be okay you know, even the happiest person in the universe has their bad days. You can get through this dark hole. I believe in you.
You are loved. You are worth the fight. You are more than your illnesses, you can fight this I believe in you. You are flawless. You are fabulous. You aren’t alone. You are amazing and I’m proud of you all.
You can beat these thoughts. I believe in you. I will always be there for you even if it’s on the internet or email or even in person one day. You are loved. You are needed in this world because you are YOU. You are badass for battling mental illness daily. I care about every single one of you. You are more than enough. You don’t need to please anyone else.
Here is some numbers to contact if you are expierencing a mental health crisis:
Samaritians- For everyone! 24 hours, 7 days a week:
Call this number – 116 123
Email address is Jo@samaritans.org
Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) – For Men! 5pm to midnight every day.
Call this number: 0800 58 58 58
Webpage chat room if you don’t want to phone the link is: Webpage Chat
Papyrus- For people under 35! Monday to Friday 10am to 10pm. Weekends 2pm to 10pm. Bank Holidays 2pm to 5pm.
Phone number: 0800 068 41 41
Text Number: 07786 209697
Childline- For children and young people under 19.
Call 0800 1111 (Number won’t show up on your phone bill)
The Silver Line- For older people
Call: 0800 4 70 80 90
In the US: Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or the National Hopeline Network at 1-800-784-2433
In Austraila- Call Lifeline Austraila at 13 11 14
Other places you could go or ring in a crisis in UK:
- Call your GP- Ask for an emergency appointment.
- Call 111 – Out of hours- They will help you find the support and help you need.
- Contact your mental health crisis team if you have one.
If you would like to contact me for PR or any collaborations or even support if you are going through a bad time. Please follow my social media accounts and email me.
Facebook Page- Mental Health & My Life
21 Buttons – ShannonDianaxx