TRIGGER WARNING – Talking about self harm, weight loss, eating disorder traits and body dysmorphic traits.
Hello, my lovely followers and readers of my blog! I hope you haven’t missed me that much!
I hope you are all okay and if you aren’t feeling ok. Just remember that’s it ok not to be ok and I promise you can get the right support you need if you reach out to someone and if you want to talk please remember that I’m here and the correct charities are here to support you!
If you haven’t seen my recent fitness/mental health/gaming/fashion/lifestyle related blog post. Please check it out, my loves!
When I was in my early teenager years and looking at magazines back in 2009/2010.. I always use to see “how to be the perfect size 0” or “how to lose 2 pounds in a month with this diet..” when I was shopping with my grandma and back then I thought to be accepted in society. I would have to be a petite size and to get that validation and
I was so obsessive over my weight. I use to call myself fat every single day and use to skip meals as I’d thought I’d lose 3 stone over night then when I didn’t lose that weight, I’d hurt myself.
My mental health was declining already due to my Mum death & the grooming from that man in 2016 and sadly the counting calories and being obsessive over my weight just added that spiral of hatred towards my body & myself and I wanted to be that perfect size to be loved and accepted.
I was picking flaws out of myself. Every single day of my teenage years. I lost my teenage years and that is so heartbreaking.
Skipping meals started when I was going through depressive episodes and also when I was going through manic episodes. I’d skip a meal because I thought it would help me lose calories as I desperately wanted to be thin and I wanted to be happy. But in reality, that wasn’t the case. My immune system was being harmed and the little bit of good mental well-being had been taken away by the negative behaviours and bad coping mechanisms.
Reality, if I was thin. I would still have the bad days & good days and I’d still be battling my mental illnesses on a daily basis.
So in 2016 early 2017.
I was getting better with my recovery, I was eating healthy. I was getting better. I went outside and my anxiety wasn’t a sod to me. I was getting my life back together. I was going out and going out with my friends, I thought my life was getting better slowly.
Then the demons came back for another fight.
Being obsessive over calories and being obsessive over weight loss started when I was 18/19. I had a bad messy break up with an ex boyfriend and the fact I was being groomed by someone who I thought was my friend when I was going through a messy breakup. My trust for men disappeared. I had no confidence. I was going through a spiral of hatred of myself and my head was constantly being told that I was never going to be good enough for anyone. The psychosis was awful let me tell you that. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. The voices were telling me I was fat and worthless and I needed to diet as no one would love me or even want me. I still get those voices but I try my hardest to ignore them.
I only hear the voices when my medication stops working or when I’m going through something very stressful or having a real bad day.
I was obsessive with losing weight and joining how many gyms and buying a ton of gym clothes and buying books and stupid dvds on weight loss because I thought no one will ever love me because I’m ugly and classed myself unloveable because my head was telling me so many cruel things.
Looking back to that Shannon now that I’m 21 she desperately needed help but she slipped through the net and I wish I could have helped her. She just wanted to be loved and held tightly.
That is utter BS by the way. You don’t need to be the perfect size to be loved. You just need to be you. Your appearance or your weight does not define you.
YOU DEFINE YOU.
Now, I’m 21 years old. I’m slowly loving myself and I still have my bad days but I also have my good days. Yesterday was one of my worst mental health days. I couldn’t get myself out of bed and I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I’m slowly getting myself back with the self-love and self acceptance journey. I give myself pep talks when I’m feeling shit.
But today is the 5th of February at 12:19 pm. I am feeling a bit better, I’ve got the curtains open and I am writing this blog post.
I’m starting to get myself back into fitness but without the obsession over my weight and appearance. I don’t want to lose weight, I want to tone up and be mentally and physically healthy. I am good enough. I am worthy.
I’ve purchased myself a meal planner as I want to keep track of my eating habits and I want to improve my physical health as well of my mental health! I always listen to professor green song – Read all about it. As these lyrics are so important to me:
You see me smile
Now you’re gonna have to see me hurt
Coz pretending everything is alright when it ain’t, really isn’t working.
Till next time!
With lots of love!
Shannon Diana xx
Mental illness isn’t going to get the last laugh. I am.
I fight for my health and for other people’s health every single day in a way most people won’t understand, we aren’t lazy. We are warriors!
If you don’t feel like talking to yet, I’ll always be here and I’ll help out any way I can. You aren’t alone.
I know how it feels to be pushed aside. But listen, you are amazing and I’m proud of you so much.
Just so you know, it’s okay not to be okay you know, even the happiest person in the universe has their bad days. You can get through this dark hole. I believe in you.
You are loved. You are worth the fight. You are more than your illnesses, you can fight this I believe in you. You are flawless. You are fabulous. You aren’t alone. You are amazing and I’m proud of you all.
You can beat these thoughts. I believe in you. I will always be there for you even if it’s on the internet or email or even in person one day. You are loved. You are needed in this world because you are YOU. You are badass for battling mental illness daily. I care about every single one of you. You are more than enough. You don’t need to please anyone else.
Here is some numbers to contact if you are experiencing a mental health crisis:
Samaritans- For everyone! 24 hours, 7 days a week:
Call this number – 116 123
Email address is Jo@samaritans.org
Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) – For Men! 5pm to midnight every day.
Call this number: 0800 58 58 58
Webpage chat room if you don’t want to phone the link is: Webpage Chat
Papyrus- For people under 35! Monday to Friday 10am to 10pm. Weekends 2pm to 10pm. Bank Holidays 2pm to 5pm.
Phone number: 0800 068 41 41
Text Number: 07786 209697
Childline- For children and young people under 19.
Call 0800 1111 (Number won’t show up on your phone bill)
The Silver Line- For older people
Call: 0800 4 70 80 90
In Austraila- Call Lifeline Austraila at 13 11 14
Other places you could go or ring in a crisis in UK:
- Call your GP- Ask for an emergency appointment.
- Call 111 – Out of hours- They will help you find the support and help you need.
- Contact your mental health crisis team if you have one.
If you would like to contact me for PR or any collaborations or even support if you are going through a bad time. Please follow my social media accounts and email me.
Fitness/Gaming Instagram– @FitGurlShan
Facebook Page- Mental Health & My Life