You will be probably older when you see this letter. I want to let you know that I love you and that I won’t ever give up on you. Whether we will face bad days or have amazing days together. I’m always going to be here. I don’t ever want you to feel like you are on your own. I want you to feel happy and safe.
I want to cherish those days when I get pregnant. You will probably see how your birth and how my pregnancy was when you are old enough to look at my blog. I am writing this as a 21-year-old. Yes, I am 21! I was young once! You may laugh now but I was young once and I had amazing music taste!
I want you to know that I will always be here for you. I won’t ever abandon you. I won’t ever make you feel like you are a burden. I won’t ever make you feel unloved. I won’t ever pick anyone over you. I hope me and your daddy will be madly in love. But If we aren’t together, that doesn’t mean we don’t love you. You aren’t a mistake, you are our amazing miracle! I want you to grow up and be happy. I want you to have the childhood what I didn’t, mine wasn’t bad but I experienced some hard times while growing up.
That’s another thing, your Nan loves and is forever watching us from up the sky. I have so many memories to tell you all. I was blessed to have my mummy for 9 years, those nine tears was the most beautiful years I can ever experience. When my mummy passed away, I was heartbroken. I was distraught. I was angry. I did some things that I regret but some things I don’t regret because it has shown me a new future and I’ve become a better person.
You will realise who your real friends are when you get older and I will be here when you find out.
I have a lot to tell you all. Your mummy doesn’t have the same brain chemicals as other mummies might have. Sometimes she can be very happy and have lots of energy but sometimes she can be very exhausted and upset. But don’t you worry, it’s nothing you’ve caused. I will forever love you but sometimes you’ll have to just hug mummy a bit more than others and that’s ok. I’m not a different mummy. I’m still the same old mummy I can ever be! I have an illness called Bipolar disorder and you will learn what that is when you grow a bit older.
Sometimes you’ll get annoyed when I keep asking how are you and how are you feeling. But, I’m doing that out of love and kindness. I want you to know that you can speak to me at any time of the day or night. If you have a problem, talk to me. I want to know whatever problem you have. Whether it’s small or big. I want you to tell me.
There might be a chance one of you will have bipolar but that doesn’t make you any different from your brothers or sisters. I won’t treat you any differently. Please don’t ever feel like I gave you bipolar and don’t ever feel like I’m an awful mum. Because if I could get a cure for it, I would. But maybe, you won’t get it. We will come to that hurdle when we need too.
I will be here always. I won’t judge, I will guide you in the right direction. I will be the happiest mummy when I have you all.
From your Mum!
I love you xxx