Trigger warning – I will be writing about some raw, honest and emotional content such as self-harming and being suicidal and talking about relapse. If you aren’t ready to read about this content. Please do not read this post.
This week has been an awful week. I’m not looking for sympathy as I don’t need it. I just want to spread awareness and talk about what has happened and how I am going to turn this negative into a positive step to help other people who are living with Bipolar affective disorder or any other mental illness.
As you have already known that I have been doing very well mentally since September 2018. I was on the correct medication and was building my life up again which was awesome.
I rang the crisis team on 6th as I was feeling irritable and I didn’t know how to control it like I used to be able too. I thought it just was one of the days. I went to sleep.
I woke up on the 7th of August 2019 and my brain was constantly telling me to hurt myself and walk into the road to get killed because I didn’t deserve to live anymore. I am used to depressive episodes by now but this was completely different from the ones I’ve had in my life.
My brain wouldn’t shut up about hurting myself and I needed to end my life according to my brain. I took my morning medication which is my antidepressant and my anti-psychotic. I never miss any medication.
So, I knew it wasn’t because of that. It just kept getting louder. I thought if I got changed and had a little walk and socialised it would help me to manage this. But it didn’t, it worsened.
I was more tearful than any depressive episode. I was like a leaky pipe. I just kept crying and wanted to hurt myself to feel physical pain instead of the mental pain anymore.
I went for a walk on my own down to my local town. Then suddenly this idea popped into my head, buy some razors and plasters because I need too. I brought them and thankfully I bumped into my Nan in the local food shop and I looked at her face and burst into tears and told her I couldn’t cope with this thing in my head telling me to hurt myself.
She took me to the doctors and told them I needed ASAP appointment as my mental health declined fast. I was called in the doctor’s room with my Nan. I sat down and I burst into tears begging him for help as I didn’t want to live anymore. I wanted to walk into the road and get run over. I wanted to be happy and at peace with my mum. I wanted freedom from this illness. I had a breakdown in the middle of the doctor’s office.
The doctor acted fast thankfully. He sent me back into the waiting room with my Nan and rang the crisis team and explained everything. He called me back into the room and he said crisis team wants to see you as soon as possible.
I was admitted to the hospital. Because of the past couple of days due to triggers from some events that have happened. I have relapsed. I didn’t get to sleep until 4am. I was petrified as it was my first ever admission to the hospital with my bipolar. I had my medication and PRN for the past couple of days in the hospital.
Also, I did relaxation as well. I was allowed home leave on Thursday to see if I coped well and I did. I missed home so much.
It’s Saturday the 10th of august. I got discharged with home treatment on Friday, I will be going to the hospital to hopefully get my medication and see home treatment on Monday.
It has been very hard mentally and physically this week. I will fight this disorder again. I will win again. Because I did win, I didn’t hurt myself or ended my life because my bipolar told me too.
I want to get better again. My first day back on the recovery pathway, I know recovery isn’t a straight line. It’s more like the spaghetti junction.
I will fight Bipolar!
I have a PR friendly blog and more than happy to collaborate with brands, so feel free to contact me at the email address below!
All my views shared on my blog are my own and are not influenced in any way.
Wanna chat? Visit my social media accounts!
Fitness Instagram- @SDFITUK
With lots of love x
Shannon Diana xx